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Namedropper moves to heatworld

16 Mar

Those kind chaps at heat magazine have let namedropper write lovely showbiz goss on, which means Namedropper has moved to Here is a list of recent work:









13.02.11 BAFTA night
















Goats go wild for Cheesy Lover Mariah Carey (who is co-incidently up the duff)

19 Dec

Mariah Carey proven to increase goat lactation

Breaking news just in…

Farmer Angus Wielkopolski has revealed goats produce more milk listening to Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You than any other song.

The amazing discovery was made at St Helen’s farm near York where staff listen to music while they milk the cows. They found that when Mariah was played the goat’s produced up to half a pint more milk.

Amateur farmers should realise, however, the importance to stick to Mariah Carey rather than Guns and Roses as:

‘They seem more nervous when they hear heavy metal’ the farmer added. (We think he’s talking about the goats that is. Not the milkers)

This got us wondering what we would play…

Here’s the Namedropper farm’s ultimate top 5 milking tracks:

Cheesy Lover – Phil Collins

Crazy for Moo – Madonna

Cream if you wanna go faster – Geri Halliwell

Cattlefield – Jordin Sparks

Yoghurt the Love – Candi Staton

What would you play?

*Since publishing this story it has been confirmed that Mariah Carey is pregnant with twins. Congratulations Mariah!
(Originally written for

Matt Cardle makes us laugh. And he wasn’t even wearing his hat…

19 Dec

Steve Brookstein is SUCH a nice guy… Er NAHT!

19 Dec

Steve Brookstein could start an argument with a banana if it had a Twitter account (‘@ Bananna, yellow sucks’). But last night’s victim of choice was none other than One Direction cutie Louis Tomlinson’s mum!

The sour X Factor grinch caught Louis’ mum’s attention after he started tweeting rather rude comments about her star son’s first audition, describing Louis the “luckiest man in music” for managing to land a record deal.

Louis’ mum replied:

“Hi I’m Louis’s mum. My family have always liked you and bought your records. Why be so cruel?”

“Why shame him in public? He was sad about his audition. He was incredibly nervous.”
“He is 18 Steve! I honestly thought you were a nice bloke. Sadly for us now what we were told about you seems accurate.”

Failed singer Steve replied to her by suggesting she buy her son some singing lessons:

“If you are Louis’s mum. Get the poor lad some singing lessons for Christmas. A couple of dozen at least,” he said.

“I’ve heard his YouTube. Auto-Tune all over it. I don’t blame him. I blame Simon [Cowell] for putting him in the public eye.”

“If he was a builder he wouldn’t be able to work on a house. He would need to learn his trade. Why do you think this is OK? Listen, he is a rouge trader. A Mickey Mouse cowboy builder. Don’t blame me for exposing his poor workmanship. End of.”

Have we missed something here – is Mickey Mouse a builder? would he use the tools with his tiny paws? Do mice even have opposable thumbs? Ok Steve, we are listening now, but seriously …. A ‘rouge’ trader?

Steve Brookstein, Café Nero hero

Steve is an authority on singing (and spelling) you see. He performs in Café Nero while Louis’ just performs in front of about 15 million people most Saturday nights. Steve is defo in a position to dish out advice so then Louis can one day be as successful as he is. Dare to dream Lou!

Steve also questioned how the teenager got his position in One Direction, commenting:

“There should be an enquiry over show fixing. He is shockingly terrible. It’s like Les Dawson comedy bad.”

Steve better back off or he’ll have us to deal with. No one messes with our boys. Ok, sounding a bit like the mafia now…..Can we at least get TEAM LOUIS t-shirts printed?

What did you think of Louis’ audition?

*This time we better add that Steve has recorded a single with all proceeds going to homeless charities. We forgot last time and are scared we might get an angry tweet.

Ashley Cole pulls Kayla Collins. Manages not to vomit on her.

16 Dec

Ashley Cole gets off with Kayla CollinsAshley Cole got frisky with I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here star, Kayla Collins on a night out at London’s Funky Buddha club.

Cheryl Cole’s ex husband was invited to the playmate’s management company’s party and, of course, as any good love rat would, accepted immediately turning up with a group of his equally sophisticated footie mates.

Upon arrival, Ashley only had eyes for one girl and made a beeline for gorgeous Kayla:

“Ashley clearly fancied her and put in the groundwork. His charming paid off, as they ended up getting stuck into each other” a fellow clubber said to The Sun.

It’s unsure if said ‘groundwork’ involved Ashley’s usual vomit interlude, which has previous proved a failsafe tool of seduction.

Unfortunately, we have never been chatted up by Ashley Cole. So, allow Ash’s former conquest, Sarah Purnell, to elaborate on our behalf:

“He kept saying what a nice body I had, and that he liked my bum and my face.’

That’s right men of Britain, if in doubt compliment the bum and then the face. Never in reverse order, you must make your priorities clear from the off. She went on:

“He poured me a drink, got me a jacket to wear because I was cold and even sent his driver out to get me a McDonald’s.”

(All established Casanovas know a McDonalds is a reliable way to seal any deal, just ask Wagner).

How could we forget hairdresser Aimee Walton who was also blessed with the Cole treatment way back in 2008:

“He slapped my backside so hard his wedding ring left an imprint.”

“Then he just threw up everywhere. My friend was going mad but he just smiled and said to me, ‘She should be privileged Ashley Cole was sick in her car.’ I remember being really disturbed by how violently ill he was.”

The magic continued back at his place:

“Ashley said he needed a drink and we went to the toilet to get some tissue to wipe sick off his arm’.

Surely, it’s unfair to keep such techniques from mankind. We think Ashley should share his pearls of wisdom and pen The Ashley Cole Guide to Seduction.

(Originally written for

Woman kicks Usher in the face. Lives the dream of many.

15 Dec

When Usher invited an adoring female fan on stage he probably didn’t expect a kick in the face in front of a live audience. But that’s just what he got.

Usher was performing at Madison Square Garden when he invited the lady on stage. It all was going splendidly until the over-excited fan attempted to wrap her leg over the star’s head (as you would) – managing to smack him square in the face with the heel of her shoe, instead. Ouch!

However, Usher was quick to control the situation and re-establish his cool saying:

“We play rough in bed, you know. We kick each other in the face and all kinds of good stuff.”

Excellent viewing.

Could Usher be the new Michael Jackson?

Meanwhile, Usher reckons he is just the guy to fill Michael Jackson’s place in the music industry:

“You know, we lost Michael Jackson. A lot of pressure is on me and I don’t mind taking it. The impression that I would like to leave is that this guy is really stepping it up to a level where people can hopefully compare me to people like Michael Jackson.”

Yeah, Delusional much? We can’t help but like him just a little bit less now. It’s comments like this that get you kicked in the face…

(Orignally written for

Nicolas Cage thinks he is Al Capone. Goes mental in Romania.

15 Dec

A video has surfaced of Nicolas Cage causing all sorts of commotion outside a nightclub in Bucharest, Romania where he is currently filming his new movie.

The grainy shots appear to show a man shouting and swearing at a man and two women in the street while people do their best to calm him down.

The man, alleged to be Nicholas Cage can be seen screaming, in true war hero style:

“‘Get in that car and walk away. I’ll f*****g die because of honour. I’ll f*****g die right now.”

Attempts to restrain the freak out result in him shouting:

“‘Don’t touch me you little b****.”

Following his rant he is seen walking away and getting into a car before gathering the energy to shout a few more choice words.

Maybe he is playing an over dramatic abusive gentleman in his new film and he was just getting into character?