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Cheryl Cole gets her tatts out at the NTAs. World snorts in disgust.

29 Jan

Ok, can we all just pause for a moment in our busy lives to have a good gawp at Cheryl Cole’s new tattoo. Stealing the show at last night’s NTA’s, Chezza wore a backless £2,200 black Versace dress, showing off her latest scrawling in all its glory.

Don’t know about you, but our first thought was more indelible than incredible. We are really trying, but stylish just isn’t springing to mind. Although, tacky doesn’t seem to be facing such a struggle. Stupid mind, always spoiling things.

What do you think? And can someone please let us know what the heck it is

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Cheryl Cole: ‘I will always love Ashley”

15 Oct

Cheryl Cole. The woman who managed to pay someone to compose an autobiography, a written account of ones life, while omitting any mention of her three and a half years of holy matrimony, has finally discussed her marriage to Ashley Cole. A man famous for football but more importantly, vomitting in womens’ handbags.

Cheryl chose to break her silence to none other than Piers Morgan on Saturday night filler favourite ‘Piers Morgan’s Life Stories’ .

In an emotional interview, Cheryl spoke of that pesky energy sucking mosquito that nearly ruined her career and also, her battle with malaria. Chezza said she believed her repellent ex husband to be a ‘genuinely nice guy’ adding:

”Looking back on it I feel numb. We had a great marriage and a fantastic wedding day but I don’t know where it went wrong.”

That lottery advert probably didn’t help… She went on…

”Once we get over this obstacle I hope we can be friends again. A part of me will always love Ashley.”

The ‘obstacle’ Cheryl mentions being divorce and a queue of women with vomit in their hand bags. Shouldn’t be too difficult then.

The interview will be broadcast on 23rd October. Crap, now we might actually have to watch Piers Morgan’s Life Stories.

Cheryl accused of being all RACIST. (Oh no not again!)

5 Oct

At the moment we are engulfed by all things X Factor. 

On Sunday tears were shed by all – the contestants, Dermot, us – as we watched the judges whittle down the contestants to reach the final 12.

Admittedly, we were a bit surprised to hear that little cutie Gamu Nhengu hadn’t made it through to Cheryl’s top 3. We were most looking forward to shouty voice over man tackling that mouthful. However, knew it was to make way for the unstable, live wire, sex maniac Katie which, considering live television is going to be involved, was fine by us.

It has since become evident that it is not fine by over 100,000 keen Facebookers who are just fuming with outrage at Gamu’s packing orders. And, of course, a media furore has now ensued and it wasn’t long before certain newspapers brought out the race card.

Now all they needed was a glamourous scape goat. Enter Cheryl Cole nee Tweedy who won the show with Alexandra Burke and has recently divorced Ashley Cole.

As Gamu is African, Cheryl Cole who shared her judging with Will.I.Am black  has now been accused of being a racist. 

An accusation rarely made when Cheryl Tweedy biffed a black toilet attendant after making a racially provoked insult. You can’t just throw a label like that around you know. Need a memory jog?

“On the night of the assault, Cheryl Tweedy was already wasted – on vodka and Red Bull, wine and complimentary champagne – when she staggered down to the ladies’ lavatories. There sat 38-year-old Sophie Amogbokpa, a black lavatory attendant. In the course of a dispute – during which Miss Amogbokpa requested that Tweedy pay up for the sweets she had snatched – an energised Tweedy punched her very hard in the eye. In the pictures, Amogbokpa looked as if she had been horribly mugged: she suffered pain for weeks. The jury decided that there was not enough evidence that Tweedy’s assault was prompted by racism.”

Cheryl takes style tips from JLS

21 Sep

Well don’t we all look like fools.

The other day we naively took the mick out of Marvin off JLS when he wore, what we thought to be, some rather suspect neon moon boot trainers to the opening of Selfridges Shoe Galleries.

Clearly, this is a trend that is gathering momentum and we are short sighted fashion oblivious twits.

The one and only, Chezza Cole, recently voted the best dressed woman of 2010 and style icon of the decade, has been spotted mooching about in a similar pair of boots.

Her heeled trainers have been described as ‘uglycool’, a sure oxymoron, and retail for approximately £310.
We reiterate a point that has been made time and time before – Fashion. Is. Mad.
But just like hareem pants and shoulder pads – you will give in, they will be coveted. Mad fashion has spoken.

Trouble at X FACTOR boot camp!

7 Aug

You might want to choose to ignore the following information but it seems that the X Factor IS one big fat fix.

Some will claim they knew this all along and have been outsmarting the Dark Lord Cowell for some time. The same people who hate Jedward, feign disinterest and then watch the show on iPlayer under the duvet.But hard evidence has now arrived: In the form of a bit of hassle from girl-band Husstle (it’s them that can’t spell, not us).

All hell broke loose when the semi literate foursome swanned around the boot camp stages of the competition claiming to other contestants they have a guaranteed place in the live finals, claiming that their manager Spike Dawbarn had made a deal with Simon Cowell to ensure they moved past the judges’ homes rounds.

Spike being only Spike of blimmin’ 911 fame! No suprise that Si would be swayed by such an influential music mogul such as old Bodyshakin’ Spike!

A source told The Sun: ‘This girl was boasting and winding everyone up about it, so when one of them said they were told they’d be in the final line-up it all kicked off.’ Things got so bad the shows producers were forced to step in.

This raised questions over the girls claims. Of course the Dark Lord’s PR pack have declined everything but we found this on Facebook. A message between two other boot camp contestants:

watch out 4 husstle, already been told their through to the live shows (cus stacey got offered a record deal so x factor guranteed it to them) xxx

Stacey is a member of Husstle along with Glamour model Sam Grierson, 25, who originally auditioned with girl band Dice, was moved into Hustle and joins Carol Mounsey, 29, Jessica Kozi, 25, and Alannah Maggs, 18 in the band.

Sounds fishy to us… But these claims have highlighted what a bunch of dimbos this Husstle lot are as they are now sure to be given the boot for opening their big gobs. No one dicks around with the Dark Lord. Just ask Steve Brookstein.

Zoo unveil their 10 ‘sexiest’ dolly birds

4 Aug

As it’s National Watermelon Day (honest) we think it rather timely that Zoo magazine has released it’s ‘101 Sexiest Women’ list as voted for by it’s ‘readers’.

What a curious world Zoo magazine does inhabit. A world where Cheryl Cole is trumped by Corrie birds and the titty one off Real Hustle. Oh just where is the justice in that? Here’s the criminal top ten in full:

1. Sammy Braddy. What a dark horse! Congratulations Sammo – but just remind us – who are you? Is anyone other than Zoo’s adolescent readership aware of this bare-breasted woman?

But just so you know. Sammy is not just a pretty face. She’s also pretty clever! Just look how she tackled this challenging Paxman-eque grilling:

‘Can you describe your boobs for us using just five words?
“Hmm, tough question! OK… Big. Round. Pert”‘

Sammy… that’s four words…

2. Michelle Keegan (plays Tina McIntyre in Coronation Street). Watch out Hollywood.

3. Jessica Jane Clement. Fairly unknown token female entity off The Real Hustle. Gets implants, shoots into ‘babe’ territory.

4. Cheryl Cole. Good looking but certainly NOT in the league of ‘Sammy Brady’.

5. Melissa D. Sources suggest ‘D’ is for dimwit. Mel is one of Zoo’s resident bra dodgers.

6. Alice Goodwin. Another Zoo regular. Also regularly spotted in the darker corners of Chinawhite and Embassy nightclubs.

7. Tulisa Contostavlos. N Dubz ‘totty’.

8. Pixie Lott. Wears hot pants and sings a bit.

9. Una Healy. Simply because she is the only Saturday to have revealed her jubblies on the beach much to the delight of Zoo readers nationwide.

10. Frankie Sandford. See the above justification. We hope Dougie McFly is very proud. But we just can’t help but remember the ole (or rather, VERY YOUNG) S Club Juniors….

Excuse me GIRLS ALOUD…you might want to check over that contract…

31 Jul

Rumours are rife that Girls Aloud may be down a member by the time they release their sixth studio album.

Whilst this news is mildly concerning we can’t say we are overly shocked. It’s been clear for a time that Nadine Coyle is a bit of a problem child in the Girls Aloud camp. 

Flitting off to LA, ignoring poor Chezza in her countless times of need, maintaining grandiose illusions of a ‘solo career’. All whilst impersonating an underweight stick insect and dating him off Despo Housewives.

However Nads has rubbished these claims and insisted she will be back for the upcoming reunion. To the tune of ‘I LOVE these bitches, we are BFFs fo life!’.

Hmmm you might want to take a peak at the small print in the Girls Aloud contract before believing Nadine’s cuddly claims.

For it seems Nadine is rather contractually obliged to stick with her band mates as they have signed a six album deal which includes the clause FIVE members must be present.

Blimey… that will be one frosty recording studio…

Bear in mind. Nadine has a rather questionable record when it comes to the truth. After being caught weighing her steamed fish and sending half back in a restaurant the star came out with this blinder:

“My big weakness is potatoes, I love them mashed or baked. When I get back to Derry I always enjoy a good fry-up that my mum makes. That’s my big weakness. I also eat too much chocolate as well. If I’m honest I’m not a particularly healthy eater.”

Well at least that last line is probably true. But we just can’t trust a bird who carries scales in her handbag…