8 Aug

Brace yourself for the most shocking love rat reveal since titchy Mark Owen.

We have no words to describe the devastation that this news has brought us. Peter Crouch, ‘Crouchie’ lovable lad etc etc has cheated on our favourite ever super babe and his fiancee Abbey Clancey with an 800 quid a go teenage prossie.

We tried to forget this inevitability stemming from his ‘footballer’ roots and seriously believed that Abbey and Peter was ‘fo real’. We are gutted.

Some dumbo slag going by the name of Monica Mint (stupid name for a stupid girl) has revealed she met Crouch on July 17 when he was on a stag weekend in Madrid just days after returning from ‘happy hols’ with gorgeous Abbey. For what happens next let’s hand over to Ms Mint for her charming first person account:

“I speak Spanish and only a little English so his friend did some translation. I told him I was an escort. The friend asked how much I charged. Then he said Peter wanted my number.”

“His friend asked me, ‘You like?’ I knew he was asking if I wanted to have sex with him. I said, ‘Yes’. Peter said, ‘You and me go,’ then paid for the drinks for his friends.”

“Because I only speak broken English, the taxi driver acted as a translator. Peter said he didn’t want an entire night, just an hour, because he wanted to get back to his friends. But we agreed on 1,000 Euros (¬£829). The taxi driver acted as the go-between. He counted it out then gave it to me.”

“He pulled my top down so he could see my breasts even though I’d said, ‘No, no, it’s a taxi’. Then he undid his trousers and indicated what he wanted me to do. I did as he asked for about 15 minutes. Because he is so tall his legs were squashed up and the taxi driver was making jokes because our movements were shaking his seat.”

Then, after checking into a 3 star hotel:

“I offered him a beer but he said he would have a Coke.”

“He seemed a nice person, not arrogant, so I let him take control. When he looked at my body he couldn’t help but be impressed. He said, ‘Oh my God! It’s beautiful’. We then had intercourse.”

Such a nice person that the lovely Monica chose to single handedly tarnish Peter’s reputation for good.



  1. anon August 8, 2010 at 6:05 pm #

    No need to phrase this like its the escorts fault! Crouch is the one with the fiancee! Slag him off not the girl, she was just doing her job………..

  2. FB August 8, 2010 at 8:26 pm #

    Poor old Pete was thick after all.

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